{Selfish}

I'm reading a little book entitled
"An Honors Journal of Thoughts & Ideas"

One of the poems (i think its a poem?)
reminded me of a conversation i had with my sister.
I was talking with her over the Summer
about my life and how i don't know where it's going.
and that i'll never get married. . .
we went to the pool
and i laid in the sun for an hour
while she had to play with baby June and make her happy.

So here is the Poem or whatever is may be.
and it makes me happy about my life
(keep in mind though. . . i don't have a boyfriend. .
so i'm not close to marriage. . .but the same kind of freedom applies to me)

I Am Selfish
By Michelle Bautista

I like being selfish. When
people ask me why I am
not yet married to my
boyfriend of more than
four years, I say that I like
being selfish.

I like being selfish with
my boyfriend's attention. I
am 23-years-old--an age, I
think, that should be spent
enjoying spontaneity and
surprises. Just tonight my
boyfriend came up to see
me because he felt like it; I
like that. Both of us bailed
out on paperwork and
priorities for a good five
hours to enjoy the simple
pleasure of each other's
company. I like choosing
lesser priorities over
responsibilities every once
in a while, and I
understand that I cannot
be so clumsy when I am
married.
If we get married too soon, I am
afraid we will spend too
much time with each other
and, eventually, we will use
up all our magic -- either
on being with each other
too much or spending all
our energy on a child.

I like being selfish with my
body. I still very much
enjoy being my mother's
child, and I like to watch
home videos with my
family or cartoons with my
brothers. I am not ready to
light up vacancy signs
around my belly and put
up advertisements for
nine-month leases. I am
not ready to gain weight
for "good reasons." I like
going to the gym and
doing routine work-outs
that I think are correct,
and I enjoy not having to
find someone that knows
more about work-outs for
expectant mothers. I like
running around the
neighborhood on weekend
mornings with my
boyfriend and not having
to push around a tag-along
stroller with us, with fancy
shades and plastic flags. I
like being in control of my
body and sympathize with
pregnant cousins that have
no control over their
constant gag reflexes,
nausea, hunger pains, and
other unfortunate
biological side effects. I
also do not like cravings; I
want to enjoy the food
that I have in front of me,
instead of having to go to
the grocery store at
unusual hours for
something very specific
and, most likely, out of
season.

I like being selfish with my
money. My mother always
complains to me about
being home for Christmas
because the last thing I
want to do is use my own
money to buy my things.
What more? If i have my
own child to spend money
on? I do not want to make
grocery lists that include
expensive diapers,
expensive formula,
expensive baby food, then
turn the list around
and find a list of expensive
textbooks for school.
Although I beg my mother
to take care of my school
clothes, i pride myself in
not asking a penny from
my parents in regards to
tuition and boarding fees.
Also, my boyfriend's
money has slowly become
my money; marital fees
and its subunits are not so
generous.

I like being selfish with my
time. I like being able to
go out with my friends
whenever i want and not
have to worry about
making dinner for my
husband or finding a baby-
sitter for my child. I like
choosing classes that are in
accordance to my own
convenience and not to
that of my husband
and/or child. I came back
to my dorm past midnight
tonight, because i was out
with friends, and did not
mind staying up late to do
this paper because I have
nothing else to worry
about but myself. I do not
mind pulling all-nighters
that are for the sole
purpose of homework and
studying, and do not have
the unfortunate side
effects of being obliged to
do laundry, the dishes, and
taking care of a baby that
finds difficulty in falling
asleep. I will go to the
bathroom when i want to.
I will wait in this line as
long as i want. this is my
favorite show and i am
going to enjoy it. My
schedule is my schedule
and no one else's.

Last Christmas, my
mother and I had a
conversation about our
problems- hers never-
ending, and mine trivial. I
am "lucky," She told me;
all i have to worry about is
myself.


(besides the money
and the fact that i think i'd love to be a mom. . .
selfishness is awesome right now.)