{Perhaps}

Today i said "{perhaps}"

"{perhaps} i need to get up and do something so that i won't be sad."

I woke up feeling a little flustered and confused.

I know that my life is going somewhere great and wonderful...

but the power of discouragement is a great big ball of gravity on my mind sometimes.

some of you may say "you're living the single life!" or "how can you complain when you live in Hawaii?"

So today i tried to be proactive..

i got up, made myself look pretty, and sung at a wonderful devotional.

I also went to a lecture that i usually don't attend.

And came home with nothing left to do until my choir class.

So i sat... and decided i need to stretch to see if it would wake me up.

As i was doing so... this flood of sadness hit me.

Like a giant wave of depression.

Like i'm not good enough, and that nothing i do is anything but mediocre.

Like everyone in the world thinks i'm weird, and so do i.

So i thought of President Hinckley's Dad's letter to him on his mission..

President Hinckley felt useless being on his mission when his family could use his help at home..

so his dad wrote him and said,

"Forget yourself and get to work"

So i stood up,

and decided to make all of my roommate's beds.

{Perhaps} service really is the only answer to sadness.

I also enjoyed a crazy fun conversation in Spanish with Crystal

which made my horribly terrible day so much better.

{Perhaps} one of the best cures for me, is to have my goofy friends come and talk to me

and tell me that life really isn't that bad,

and that i really am good enough

and that (some) people do love me.

So {perhaps} i'll start a little journal of things that i'm grateful for.

i am the youngest of the greatest family on the planet.

i have older brothers sisters who care about me and love me so much.

i have nephews who think i'm cool because i live in hawaii and can pick them coconuts.

i have amazing parents full of advice and prayers on my behalf

my house is nice, has a t.v., tinsel on the windows and christmas lights on the balcony

my bed is super soft and comfy and i can sleep at night

i have an able body that is still as flexible as it was when i danced every day

i go to school at an institution that promotes my standards and helps me be better every day

i have seen a sea turtle, eel, and octopus in real life

i've traveled to portugal, mexico, the caribbean, the bahamas, the dominican republic, and all over the U.S.

i am going to serve for 18 months as a representative of Jesus Christ

I am a member of the only true church on the earth and receive personal counsel from the Lord every day when i seek it.

i have the Holy Ghost and have made and am keeping sacred coven

ants with my heavenly father

i can recall trials that have pushed me to be better, so i know that the ones i go through are for a reason, and i'm so so grateful to know that, and to have become better and not worse.

i am grateful for unselfish people who don't do things just to gain things, but are sincere.

i am grateful for long talks with people about anything at all

i'm grateful for the boys who tell me i look pretty when i feel so ugly

and so many other things..

thats it for now =)

i hope you all stay happy

and {perhaps} we'll make it out alive after all.

... and {Perhaps} I'll watch a Disney movie tonight =D

look what i found.... hahahaha

{Good is good enough}

I sung at the devotional this morning with the University Chorale.

It was really scary but really fun.

It's funny because i thought that i was smiling and singing with my face and everything..

but... apparently not

like 6 people came up to me after and said they thought it was way funny

i hardly moved my mouth and had no emotion on my face.

i guess that's what happens when i get nervous? haha oh well.. thats embarrassing.

Anyways.. good is good enough. at least i did it right?

hefs happiness

Do you know whats making me happy today?

Christmas music

And having my professor come into the cage.. saying hes grading our papers. I said "im really sorry i havent turned mine in" and he said "youre fine..just turn it in tomorrow to me sometime. Its a freebee" its a week late.. today is awesome!!

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Fix you up

sometimes this is the theme of my day:

"we'll get you fixed up in no time"

Thanks Tegan & Sara

=)

30 things

and i've been seeing a lot of high school kids doing this 30 things thing lately..

and it made me want to do one..
so i'm gonna geek out and be a little high school today.

1. speaking of high school... i honestly don't miss it at all.

2. What i do miss is dancing ballet all the time.

3. I feel like i didn't do a lot in high school, but its completely the opposite for college experiences. I've tried TONS of things.
> cheerleading/dance team
> ceramics/pottery
> acting
> singing
> geography
> sewing

4. Now for this one i'll say that because of #3, i find a lot of comfort in what i've accomplished so far in life. its a big deal for me to feel like i've lived a good life. And so far i feel like i'm doing alright.

5. I think about my mission ALL the time. it goes up and down like CRAZY. one day i'll be soo pumped and ready and just wanting to go, the next i'll just be like "maybe i'll just meet a guy.. and then i won't have to go.. " this is why i haven't told a lot of people that i'm going and announced it to the world. But i'm going to start being excited.

6. I care a lot about whether people think i'm a nice person. When i find out someone doesn't like me, i usually try really hard to make them like me. i think its important to care if people think you're nice.

7. I still LOVE watching movies.

8. Listening to music whilst cleaning is the BEST thing ever.

9. I absolutely love have a calling in the church. I still have 3, and it is such a huge blessing!! it keeps me busy and i've gotten to know almost everyone in my ward.

10. I still want to go to culinary school, and also hair school. I wish i had a million dollars to spend on my education haha

11. I have this weird thing.. where i feel like i'm being watched all the time. Not like being stalked or anything, just that i never feel alone. It's almost comforting. It's probably from that LDS saying "you are not alone" haha i really took that to heart.

12. I still hate facebook. I love looking at everyone's pictures though, and i think thats why i still have my account haha

13. My roommate Bree and I made a calendar of December activities!!! I only have 3 weeks left in Hawaii for 2 years, so its gonna be CRAZY fun!!!

we've included ice skating, swap meet christmas shopping, decorating the house, and having a baking night.. to name a few =)

14. I still think Friends the t.v. show is hilarious, even after watching the episodes hundreds of times i laugh out loud.

15. I love when we have traditions. Like baking brownies every night, or going to Haleiwa Eats, or having christmas movie marathons. i have certain friends that i do certain things with and i LOVE it. Friends who i play clue, and go to a frozen yogurt place with. Friends who i watch modern family, and play catch phrase, and play in Waikiki (pronounced why- KEE- kee) with. Its wonderful.

16. I love Country and Church music the most.

17. I can't wait to be married, but i also know that my single life right now is the only time left in my eternal existence that i will have to myself. So i'm enjoying it =)

18. I love wearing socks. They make me feel super cozy.

19. I want to make a quilt out of all the T-shirts i've collected. I have shirts from high school that say Chattahoochee on them, and shirts from all over Oahu, and girls camp, and tons of stuff that i've done. (i know she has one on Twilight.. and though i am a fan.. i had this idea before the movie came out haha)

20. I work in the "cage"/ EXS issue room where we give out exercise clothes and equipment. I wash dirty sweaty clothes and fold them and give out the clothes and clean the wrestling mats. I L.O.V.E this job. I know it sounds weird.. but i love how social it is. I've gotten to know all the people in the EXS classes and the sports teams and some of the faculty. and i love how busy i am most of the time (it gets boring too.. but at least i'm not sitting at a desk all day). I'm really sad to be leaving because i'll miss my job haha.

21. My favorite color is purple. Like a periwinkle purply lavender. Love Love Love

22. my fingernail polish is red right now, its festive and i've decided to be really excited about christmas this year.

23. I had extensions in my hair, and just got them out a few days ago. My hair is thinning really really bad........ so bad that the lady who took them out said, "so how old are you? 30?" SERIOUSLY?!?! i'm 21 lady!!

24. I really want to learn spanish or chinese on my mission.

25. this thing has taken me a week to finish

26. I'm really nervous about living in St. George again. I don't have a lot of friends there.

27. My sister Melissa just had her 2nd baby. Now each of my married siblings have 2 kids. I look up to them SOO much. Probably more than they know. Melissa just posted a lot of blog posts with tons of pictures and she just seems so happy being a mom. I can't wait to be married and have kids.

28. Going through the temple is going to be the second biggest (the first being my wedding day of course!) day of my life. I have thought about this day since i can remember. I will probably cry my eyes out.

29. I love my parents more than life itself. They are who I want to be and I am a better person because I'm their daughter.

30. Total Eclipse of the Heart(Glee Version), The Curse of Curves (Cute is What We Aim For), If I Fail (Cartel), It's All Coming Back To Me (Celine Dion), Bust Your Windows (Glee Version), and Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) ... you made first term and fall semester car rides Epic and Wonderful.

Hey! you made it through all 30 =D thanks for reading =)=)

Secrets in the Telling

Today is a good day.
and worked all day long with 1 hour in-between


i called my sister in law candice today
my whole family is freaking out
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN CALL US TO SAY
YOU ARE GOING ON A MISSION!!"
Uhm.. hi.. everyone who reads my blog knew way before you guys...
i kept it a secret from my family..
but sadly i know they don't read my blog
(except grandma and melissa =)
so i talked about it on here a month before they found out
haha suckas.

anyways..
my nephews want a coconut and remote control car from Hawaii for Christmas this year.
Apparently Camden cares a lot about what he wears to school
he has to look good or the kids make fun of him.
and who picks him up from school
his ride can't make them look ridiculous.
hahaha
i can't wait to get to be around them!!

HALEIWA EATS TONIGHT!!
then FHE woot woot =) =)

So sick its ill

guys....

i'm really sick.

like.. i don't think i've ever EVER been this sick.

It started slowly with my mom coming

and taking midterms,

then i stayed up til 3AM to see the new Harry Potter

(HOLY MOly that movie is AWESOME & terrifying)

((i have to read the book now, because i'll be on my mission when the 2nd half comes out =( ))

And when i woke up the next morning....

it struck.

Headaches,

stiff, achy achy body,

stuffy nose,

ahhhhhhhhhh

i'm soo sick.

I moved my mattress out to the living room,

watched movies and slept all day

at chicken noodle soup

and took loads of pills.

and Gee Double You,

i'm not getting better.

{cutie patootie}

It couldn't get any cuter than this.

Miss {Sister} Holm

Mission Update:

Papers are completely done.

Submitted to the bishop.

The dedication of the Laie temple is this Sunday,

so there will be no church meetings,

therefore i have to wait until the following week to meet with my bishop about the papers.

Then he sends them on to the stake president.

Once the stake president ok's them,

they get sent to Salt Lake.

So hopefully, hopefully, hopefully,

if everything goes smoothly,

I should have my call in a month..

hopefully.

=)

I'm excited!!

{Drake Matthew Harrison}

One month from today,

I get to meet this new little guy =)

He was born yesterday afternoon

...

yesterday was a VERY hectic day for me

I almost couldn't see straight

thinking about how much I wanted to be there

everything ended sweetly though=)

He just has a boy quality about him huh?

and he's sooo handsome!

Welcome to the world and our family little baby Drake!!!!

Your aunt steph loves you so

P.S. HP TOnight!!! woot woot!!!!

{sick} & tired

I'm tired.

and may or may not have taken a three hour nap in the middle of the day today.

AND may or may not have driven my car in the middle of it... without really remembering.. only feeling like i was REALLy tired and wanted to get back to my bed.

My mom came to visit me last week =)

i stayed in Waikiki for most of the week and had a BLAST with her.

it was so relaxing and fun. we really didn't do a whole lot,

but just the fluffy beds and the A/C was enough for me!

plus i got to keep the hotel room an extra night and have some friends come stay,

that was the cherry on top of an awesome week.

unfortunately i have been getting really really sick.

i really haven't been sick in a long time.

but i think its going around.

it started the day my mom got here,

and got progressively worse with the whole eating out all the time

and my sleep schedule changing so much.

i have a headache, a swollen neck, an ear infection (so i stumble all over the place and feel super dizzy)

and a tired TIRED aching body.

and i'm really ornery all the time too so thats fantastic. haha

I've driven into Waikiki like 7 times in the past week.

Erin and i took a random trip to cheesecake last night

and tonight some friends got stranded at costco in town so i took some friends with me,

picked them up,

and we went to Chili's for din din.

I got on one of my sugar highs.. and laughed at everything

and i really think people thought i was drunk.

i embarrass myself a lot, but i figure i don't really need to grow up yet, right?

on the MUSICAL side of my life haha

i led my ward choir (who are SOOO awesome!!) in the song

"my heavenly father loves me" at our ward conference this past Sunday.

its a BEAUTIFUL arrangement, and they honestly did so good.

I was a little nervous, but we had practiced a lot.

and when we all sat down i looked up and the bishopric and the stake presidency were all crying. so thats a good thing haha

also, the university chorale that i'm in is singing in devotional

in 2 weeks.

i found out today that we're singing the song that everyone hates.

its called "ye shall have a song" and pretty much just repeats that line the whole time...

ugh..

we're singing like SIX beautiful songs.. i have no idea why she chose that one...... ugh. oh well

Another happy happy thing!!

MELISSA is due any minute to have her little boy!!!!!

yay for 5 nephews and a niece.. they are the sugar on top of my fab life!!!

i can't wait to move home and be so close to my whole family.

it will be so crazy to not feel like i'm missing out on the whole family life

and missing eating out

and living on the mainland

and being able to travel long distances without turning around

I get sick to my stomach about leaving hawaii

and it gives me anxiety because i really really don't want to.

but i have to progress and we know this.

anyways.. loves! this was a long post haha

I'm {Grateful} too

Want to know what I'm thankful for?

First and foremost, this wonderfully beautiful and amazing mother of mine.

She's here visiting me and it is seriously just so nice.

its an escape of my own reality in the place that is my reality..

does that make sense?

We have these nice talks about our family

and about how things are just changing a lot in our family.

I'm also grateful for these people

...

This was our family trip to Hawaii.

They all came to drop me off for college,

there has been 3 additions to the family since then haha..

and they will be visiting this Christmas helping me leave this place.

They came when i came,

and they'll be right by my side as i leave.

and that's how life is isn't it?

My family means everything to me.

I've stressed SO much about how scared i am to have to come home from my mission.

I get attached, as you probably well know,

and i just... well i KNOW that it will be hard for me to come home.

but then the other day i called my sister Melissa.

When i hung up the phone i realized i'm still coming home to my family

and this gigantic whoosh of peace filled my mind and my heart.

Oh how i'm grateful for them.

these guys are stuck with me forever =)

i hope they're as happy about it as i am haha

{Hometeacher} Hometeachee

a picture is worth a thousand words.

i'll just say 4.

we went to Costco.

3 more.

it was epic.

The {girl} who can't be moved

"cause if one day you wake up

and find that you're missing me..."

i've just been sitting here...

in the Reading/Writing Center at school

with my best friend Erin

watching Christmas Movies on this rainy day

it's really just an awesome day.

and then i saw this music video and realized something... its kind of sad..

but i'll just be honest.

I haven't let go, because if i do,

my life will lose a lot of meaning,

and i'll lose all that passion for life that i felt with you.

I'll lose meaningful things i've been waiting to say and feel.

"it seems like nothing's happened..

until i've shared them with you"

i've still been waiting to talk.

i honestly don't know if i'll ever stop waiting.

i hope that's ok. if not, then i really am crazy.

that's ok with me i guess.

one day things will be different.

Just a little.

I'm freaking out. but just a little.

Did you know that making life-changing decisions is REALLY hard?

I'm focusing on school,

I'm trying to prepare to move home,

I'm looking forward to preparing for a mission,

but i'm freaking out.

Because i dont want anything to change, but i know it has to.

I don't want to move away,

i LOVE hawaii.. and its really true that you never know how much you love something

until you don't have it anymore.

what will i do without the beach?

without my best friends?

without the casa?

without playing clue every night?

without my awesome job?

I've been thinking about leaving a lot.

Life has been so good lately,

but the important thing is....

I will be so much happier if i do what I'm supposed to do.

Life's still good.

and sometimes the Grass isn't always Greener. Its just green everywhere.