Today.

Today....

I woke up really happy

Today....

is the last day that I will be 2o years old

Today...

is the last day that when someone asks "how old are you?"

i can say "20"

Today...

I got pizza and candy for my pre-birthday presents haha

Today...

We're making the treats for FHE

Today...

i made the decision to go home for my birthday (well... my mom did mostly haha)

Today...

I don't want to go on a mission.

Today...

i want to make someone happy

Today...

i wish i had a boyfriend/fiance/someone to love me that way

Today...

i need to clean my room, but i don't think i will.

Today...

i wish i felt like i had any of my best friends as friends anymore

because none of them feel like it.

and that is sad..

. because tomorrow is my birthday

and my biggest birthday wish is this...

I want Jazmin, Danny, and Erin back the way they were in my life.

i miss you guys

=( i feel like 3 huge parts of me have died.

But Today...

is still a good day

and I Love My Life

=)

Happy August 30th

Peace out Year 20!

. . . nobody knows where they might end up

Today i had a lot of meetings after church.

I still have 3 callings, and Sundays get SUPER busy

plus visiting teaching and home teachers.

while i was walking home afterwards

i kinda realized where i'm at today.

I could be married,

i could be pregnant,

i could be making dinner for someone every night,

and i could be part of a team,

but i'm not.

I'm single.

I have tons of friends

i live in hawaii

and i have the option now of going on a mission.

And i NEVER thought i would be here.

To be honest i thought i would be married by now.

and i don't know how i feel now that i'm not.

when i first think about it it makes me sad

i would love to be married.

but the single life is still here, and i'm taking full advantage of it

its getting easier to see people that are married and happy

after, what we'll call "the break up", it was hard let's be honest.

but its easier, and i'm totally accepting where i'm at

and loving life.

(but you read my blog... and you already know that =)

I called my mom and my sister today.

My mom asked what i was doing

i said "watching a show that you think is the devil"

"are you watching greys anatomy??"

I love them so much haha she knew exactly what i was talking about.

My parents are the best.

do you want me to tell you why?

ok i will!

they called me a few minutes after i hung up the phone and said

"steph, if you could do anything for your birthday, what would you do?"

i had to think for a minute and said "probably go to europe or something. . . why?"

They didn't mean that extravagant haha they meant fly home for the break.

I still love them haha

But i'm still trying to decide if i want to go home.

home is such a different place now for a lot of reasons.

A few are bittersweet and make me really reluctant still.

but i would love to see my family.

but i was also really really excited for my parents to come

because then i could show them what i've been up to.

the longer i've been in Hawaii, the more i really enjoy being here.

It's almost hard to go home because i get torn.

so idk idk idk what to do. (indecisiveness, i'm sure you're not surprised ha)

. . . & all it's beauty

I am infatuated with Eat Pray Love.

It may not relate to others as it has to me.

So the things that i have been going through may seem small and meager

and not of great worth to those on the outside,

but if you could only catch a small glimpse of how much growth and beauty

and love and peace and trial and challenge and thunderstorms

have passed through me in just a small moment of my life. .. .

you'd be infatuated too.

The thing about eat pray love is that i related so much to it when i first started to read.

There comes a point where you have to accept that things aren't right

they weren't working

and i couldn't accept them for a long time.

but reading eat pray love helped me to see that i h

ave to find my love

i have to find my strength.

i turn 21 on tuesday

and the storms of trials that have raged through me

have tested and strengthened and roared past me

and i am still standing,

and have needed every minute of it.

i am refined.

wherever you go, no matter what you do,

you have to accept things as they are

and learn from things

and change yourself, to ever be happy.

Decision Made.. but you have to read to the end to find out.

This past week was EPIC.

I feel like a true college student now than i ever have.

I've stayed up past at least 1 every night

and woken up early to do more crazy things.

I watched tons of movies,

cuddled with some boys,

had bonfires

snuck into resorts

went to the beach

went out to eat every day

made new friends

and had tons of people over almost every night

and am reminded every single day of how much i love my friends.

I seriously will be driving, talking, eating, anything with my friends

and it will hit me, and i just have to say it out

loud

"i love you guys. i'm so glad we have each other

, i don't know what i would do without you."

And it's true. my friends are my sisters.

we all must have met in the pre-existence and

decided to meet

at college

in hawaii

and be roommates and best friends

and do TONS of fun things together

like get pedicures

shop

eat out almost every day

hang out together

and know each other more than anyone else.

I am convinced that they really do know me more than anyone i've ever known.

Anyways. . . .

Steph likes to cuddle.

I am a really touchy person. And cuddling just helps my days and makes me feel elated.

last night i fit perfectly into some not-well-known arms of a friend

and i'm happy about it, so sue me =)

Every day i've felt this freedom of life

I'm infinite, and I'm happy, and I'm selfish, and I'm giving,

and I'm helpful, and I'm clean and I'm just peachy

Another thing.

DECISION MADE.

Guess who's going to serve a mission?

=) =) =)

Double Posties for Slacking

I decided since I hardly post, that I'll post a few times every time i do haha.

Anyways. . . here's a confession.

This is MY blog. So i am going to just express myself.

I hope you don't judge me.

So yes, if you're wondering, i have been holding on to past feelings.

It's taken me a while to get over stuff.

It's helped me to see Faith in myself,

I know that it happened for a reason, and I know that my life will be strengthened from the experience.

but today, i looked at some pictures that a few weeks ago would have made me bawl like a baby again.

but today was different, today i saw it. What i've been waiting to see and denying that i ever would see.

It's just not going to work out the way i wanted it to.

and you know what? Its ok with me.

I really do see what i want, and things could have worked out differently, but there are no regrets. I'm grateful for the person that i have become because of these struggles and challenges.

So for today, i just want to say

My heart broke. it shattered.

My life was up-side down

In the first place i was scared to death

and its funny because what i was scared of actually happened.

and i am a completely different person now because of it.

So i am so incredibly grateful.

And I don't have any hard feelings.

I am so thankful that I got to have the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone so awesome and wonderful.

And the time has definitely come slowly but surely

where i can say. . .

thanks for all you did for me.

I still wish more than anything to have my best friend back.

But he's different now too, and i can't blame him or wish it any different.

But i do want to say, i loved you so much.

thanks for meaning the world to me in a small moment in my life.

And thanks for helping me let go.

You're doing the right thing.

. . . anyways now i'll just share a few things. . .

the songs i've posted with this are some songs that helped me so much through this.

its been months now, and i still can feel the pangs of hurt in my heart sometimes, but today is a different day and i want it to be. I really do want to let go. i really do want to be a better person for someone. I really do want him to be happy. and i really do love myself for being so strong. And i love my heavenly father for helping me so much.

So here's to you, Danny Baer.

Thanks for everything.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

The ABC's of my happy day/life

A is for applesauce as an after-school snack

B is for Bree & Becca & Brian some of my favorite people

C is for the Cage where i work, i worked all by myself for 3 hours today

(i had to close the cage for a few minutes to put the basketball hoops in the CAC down, and when i got back there were over 20 people waiting in the hallway for me... busy busy job sometimes)

C is also for Cuddling. . . =)

D is for Dancing (the salsa hula is my specialty) and Devotionals at BYUH

E is for Erin. she is my BFF fo eva eva eva eva

F is for Fun at the Firesides and Friends because i'm still obsessed with the show

G is for Grey's Anatomy. Yay!

H is for Holm and i love my family

my mom called me a true holm today because i said "it weren't me"

all of my polygamist cousins talk like that. awesome.

I is for me. I am selfish.

J is for Jerusalem. i am looking into doing a semester there.

K is for Kollege

L is for my momma Lisa, the bestest momma in the world. and my YW leader Lisa in Georgia

(shout out!! LISA FARREN IS THE GREATEST!! Thanks for reading my blog! i miss you!! thanks for all your awesome advice today =)

M is for Movies

N is for No holding hands with freshman. Too late. Whoopsidaisies.

O is for oh no... everyone wants me to go on a mission. and the Ocean

P is for passionate yelling because of eventful events

Q is for Queen of Sheeba, my fishy

R is for Religion

S is for Snoopy Bree's car

T is for Talks until 6am

U is for underwater pictures

V is for Very Voluptuous Desserts (look up Voluptuous on Urban Dictionary {dot} com)

W is for Wet, Wild, and Wacky adventures

X is for xerox machines! yay for making copies for my music because i'm the ward choir director.

Y is for Youthful Yumminess

Z is for catching no Zzzz's and Zoolander

HUZZAH!

Sunday Journal 8/15

I'm still really really happy.

And it's not like "i hope you're as happy as you're pretending"

it's like the true happiness you feel when you know you're right where you're supposed to be.

I've been stressing a lot about whether i should go on a mission.

Then i realized that I've been through this before,

I've worried and worried and gone through with things

without feeling that peace of mind and heart.

So for now, it's not right. But I'm still considering it for the future.

I've also realized that the happiness I feel finally doesn't have anything to do with where I am, or who I'm with (well... not necessarily). It has to do with how i feel about myself, and how i feel about my life and where it's going.

This is where it's going.

I'm happy because it's going wherever Heavenly Father wants it to.

And that's all I need to know.

Faith is knowing the Sun will rise

lighting each new day

Faith is knowing

the Lord will hear

my prayers each time I pray

The Situation.

Alright so here's the dealio.

Why oh why

can't guys just man up and talk to girls?

I've made a few guy friends these past couple weeks

and ALL of them (and some of the girls I know)

are going through the same thing.

MISCOMMUNICATION.

Seriously

I really wish people realized that communication is key

and that out of respect for others feelings

telling someone how you feel

and that things are over

and that they need to move on

is the right move.

I know guys think that girls will just get the hint,

but some of us hold onto false hope.

and just saying it's over is nice and good and respectful.

How can you not know that by now?

We're in college right?

not elementary school.

Can we please just grow a pair??

That'd be nice.

Off Season is what I'm on. . .

and selfishness is what I need right now.

If you don't like someone, just TELL them. just do it.

get some closure, man up, and then yeah it's all good.

fingers crossed for all of my sweet girlfriends out there going through it.

until then. . .

Love & all its Charms

A friend from my first year here at BYU Hawaii

got married over the summer.

I was just looking at her cute wedding pictures on facebook

and I watched her way stinking cute Wedding Video

so I thought I'd share it with my fellow blogging friends =)

she is the happiest bride i've ever seen

so even though I'm not close to getting married or anything

this should just make you smile,

and helps you want to fall in love.

Hayley & Eric SL Same Day Edit from Matthew Baker on Vimeo.

Surfin' Tacos & Freaky Friday

This Friday is Friday the 13th!

Random Thoughts:

*i hate when i find out that I've tried so hard for something

to no avail.

there have been 2 happenings this week that have reminded me

of the failure of my attempts to help others.

but at least i'm still trying, right?

*I've gotten 3, i'll repeat it. . . THREE letters from my best friend

and he is amazing. and i miss him terribly.

*Everyone is asking me if i'm going to serve a mission.

A big part is because i spoke in sacrament meeting about

preparing to serve a mission on Sunday.

I had some good alone time at the temple last night

to figure out my thoughts and find that... indeed... it is a big possibility in the near future. =)

*This morning i get a text from one of my first-ever BYUH friends.

She goes "OMG!! I'm at the Joseph Smith farm in NY and your sister is giving my family the tour!! she says hii!!"

so this morning, for about 2.5 hours, i got to talk to my sister, through one of my good BYUH friends =)

she even called me a brat like she always does.

Oh how i miss my big sissy juju

*There's a new Mexican Restaurant in the town next to Laie,

it is a Cafe Rio knock-off and it's DE-licious.

Haleiwa Eats + Surfin' Tacos = Stef 100% fat and happy

*I LOVE my friends

I seriously for realsies couldn't imagine my life without them right now.

I would be nothing without them.

They are the cheese to my macaroni.

quote for the day

"Do something every day

that makes you HAPPY"

Holy Freak A Leak

Elated.

Dear Johnny Depp,

about an hour ago you said hi to me,

held my hand

and looked me in the eyes.

and i will never be the same.

thanks for making my Friday night beautiful.

then end.

love, Steph

I don't think i've ever really seen anyone as famous as he is.

and you don't think you'd get all excited about it and freak out,

until you're standing right there,

and he reaches and grabs your hand

looks you in the eyes and says "hello".

and all the crowd wants to do (and the crazy pregger girl next to you) is hold those hands

and look into those eyes.

haha i sound crazy... but it was a crazy sweet experience

and i would do it again any day.

{Good Mornin'}

I had the best morning ever.
Woke up to a call from my sister Melissa.

When she said "bye love ya!"
she handed the phone to June
and said "say french fry"

and that sweet little one year old yells
"FWENCH FWY"

best. morning. ever.

{Selfish}

I'm reading a little book entitled
"An Honors Journal of Thoughts & Ideas"

One of the poems (i think its a poem?)
reminded me of a conversation i had with my sister.
I was talking with her over the Summer
about my life and how i don't know where it's going.
and that i'll never get married. . .
we went to the pool
and i laid in the sun for an hour
while she had to play with baby June and make her happy.

So here is the Poem or whatever is may be.
and it makes me happy about my life
(keep in mind though. . . i don't have a boyfriend. .
so i'm not close to marriage. . .but the same kind of freedom applies to me)

I Am Selfish
By Michelle Bautista

I like being selfish. When
people ask me why I am
not yet married to my
boyfriend of more than
four years, I say that I like
being selfish.

I like being selfish with
my boyfriend's attention. I
am 23-years-old--an age, I
think, that should be spent
enjoying spontaneity and
surprises. Just tonight my
boyfriend came up to see
me because he felt like it; I
like that. Both of us bailed
out on paperwork and
priorities for a good five
hours to enjoy the simple
pleasure of each other's
company. I like choosing
lesser priorities over
responsibilities every once
in a while, and I
understand that I cannot
be so clumsy when I am
married.
If we get married too soon, I am
afraid we will spend too
much time with each other
and, eventually, we will use
up all our magic -- either
on being with each other
too much or spending all
our energy on a child.

I like being selfish with my
body. I still very much
enjoy being my mother's
child, and I like to watch
home videos with my
family or cartoons with my
brothers. I am not ready to
light up vacancy signs
around my belly and put
up advertisements for
nine-month leases. I am
not ready to gain weight
for "good reasons." I like
going to the gym and
doing routine work-outs
that I think are correct,
and I enjoy not having to
find someone that knows
more about work-outs for
expectant mothers. I like
running around the
neighborhood on weekend
mornings with my
boyfriend and not having
to push around a tag-along
stroller with us, with fancy
shades and plastic flags. I
like being in control of my
body and sympathize with
pregnant cousins that have
no control over their
constant gag reflexes,
nausea, hunger pains, and
other unfortunate
biological side effects. I
also do not like cravings; I
want to enjoy the food
that I have in front of me,
instead of having to go to
the grocery store at
unusual hours for
something very specific
and, most likely, out of
season.

I like being selfish with my
money. My mother always
complains to me about
being home for Christmas
because the last thing I
want to do is use my own
money to buy my things.
What more? If i have my
own child to spend money
on? I do not want to make
grocery lists that include
expensive diapers,
expensive formula,
expensive baby food, then
turn the list around
and find a list of expensive
textbooks for school.
Although I beg my mother
to take care of my school
clothes, i pride myself in
not asking a penny from
my parents in regards to
tuition and boarding fees.
Also, my boyfriend's
money has slowly become
my money; marital fees
and its subunits are not so
generous.

I like being selfish with my
time. I like being able to
go out with my friends
whenever i want and not
have to worry about
making dinner for my
husband or finding a baby-
sitter for my child. I like
choosing classes that are in
accordance to my own
convenience and not to
that of my husband
and/or child. I came back
to my dorm past midnight
tonight, because i was out
with friends, and did not
mind staying up late to do
this paper because I have
nothing else to worry
about but myself. I do not
mind pulling all-nighters
that are for the sole
purpose of homework and
studying, and do not have
the unfortunate side
effects of being obliged to
do laundry, the dishes, and
taking care of a baby that
finds difficulty in falling
asleep. I will go to the
bathroom when i want to.
I will wait in this line as
long as i want. this is my
favorite show and i am
going to enjoy it. My
schedule is my schedule
and no one else's.

Last Christmas, my
mother and I had a
conversation about our
problems- hers never-
ending, and mine trivial. I
am "lucky," She told me;
all i have to worry about is
myself.


(besides the money
and the fact that i think i'd love to be a mom. . .
selfishness is awesome right now.)

{Calm} in a world of chaos

The men in my life
who will never break my heart.

I love my family
& miss these guys so much
and love them with all of my heart =)

{Stardust}

I'm at work right now.

I am covering 5 shifts for a girl this week and next week.

And i am being brave and brought my computer. . .

the reason why i use the word "brave"

is because i hate sitting on a computer all day.

well not just hate,

i LOATHE it.

I hate how much time goes, and it is all wasted and i feel all lazy and stuff.

Facebook is the devil.

No really.

I feel guilty when i get on

because i feel like i'm spying on people

who don't want me to know about their lives.

(obviously they do because we are friends...)

i think it also has to do with jealousy

and being far away from people that i can't hang out with.

There might come a day soon enough

where i won't hate it so much.

but for now,

i loathe my computer

and am trying to get over it haha

On a Happy Note =)

I had a wonderful Sunday dinner and sunday movie night with a bunch of friends.

We watched Stardust.

I've never seen it (i fell asleep when i tried)

but i was missing out because this is by far the best quote about love that i have ever heard. =) judge me if you will... But i am a hopeless romantic.

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

"I should tell you that you were my first love."

-Ingrid Michaelson

{Just for Fun}

Some things i know about myself now. . .

~I get attached to people and things. (like an old cell phone. . .or an ex boyfriend and memories)

~I hate being alone. watching a movie, reading a book, listening to music. . . i always love having my friends beside me.

~my favorite thing in the world over the summer was to play the piano on my mom's beautiful grand piano. . . and to make it better. . . my parents would walk by every once in a while (i'd literally play for at least an hour almost every day for 6 weeks) and they'd say "we're so proud of you." "it sounds great!" "i love it steph" "Beautiful". and then i try to act like it won't affect my playing.. only to lose track of where i was haha.

~I love singing. I drove around a lot in st george just to sing. Michael Buble's cd 'Crazy Love' and the Anastasia soundtrack were always my best friends in the Mustang haha. If i could, i would sing instead of talk.

~I want to to these 3 things:

go to culinary school

go to massage school

& go to hair school

which is funny because here i am, trying to get a bachelor's degree. . . and i am still trying to decide on a major. (social work? english? english education?. . . who knows. . . i'll be in school forever at this point.)

~I am VERY indecisive. I couldn't even decide on a pet fish to get when they all looked the same. I can't decide my grocery list, what color to paint my nails, my favorite things. . . its no wonder i'm not married and don't have a declared major haha if all these little decisions can't be decided, how am i supposed to make any big ones?

~You've Got Mail is my new favorite movie though (Runaway Bride was the previous)

I love Fall,

and i love how optimistic Meg Ryan's character is. so i can decide that.

~I read my scriptures and write missionaries when I'm bored. I used to hate writing missionaries because i never knew what to say, but i was missing out.

I heard a very smart girl in Sunday School today say

that you find out who you truly are when you're alone.

You discover how you act when you are all alone,

and nothing you do is for anyone else but yourself.

I believe that wholeheartedly. It's like dancing in my room when i was in high school, and singing in the car.

I think everyone should go and be by themselves for a little bit, and really discover what kind of thoughts come to mind... and what kind of things they desire to do. it might make you really happy to see that you're a better person than you thought you were. =)

~I went to the temple with my friends on Thursday night after hearing some.... shocking things ha... and i realized that i have taken some really good advice and only let myself have one good cry about sad things and then i forget them and move on. I also noticed that night that i have amazing friends who really do love me. And we all deserve amazing husbands and will find them one day =) haha

~my favorite finger is my left ring finger

and my favorite toe is my left middle toe.

haha

Sunday Journal

I began my fast today with some questions. . .

questions about where my life should go from here.

I turn 21 this month (yay its my birthday month!!)

& yes. . . i am considering going on a mission.

I've been told by a lot of people that they think I'd be a good missionary.

I know that I would be. And i know that i would love it.

But I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me,

and i can't lean on my own understanding. . .

so i've been praying about it.

I got asked to speak in sacrament meeting next week

(on preparing to serve a mission... haha my mom thought that was interesting. . . )

then i got 2 callings

so today was a busy day! haha

I am now the Choir Director and the Relief Society Pianist =)

all musical =) =)

i don't know if i've said this already, but i'm going to try out for concert choir here at school.

I'm really excited just to have the experience, whether i make it or not.

I think that the Lord has a lot of wonderful things in store for me

i have patience for those blessings. . .

and am doing what i can now to receive them worthily when they come.

but for now, i'm happy

i have direction (school and a fun job, possibly a mission. . . )

and i am learning that life isn't always what you expect.

In short my testimony is that;

Heavenly Father knows who i am,

he knows my desires, and knows how my heart feels

and things will work out exactly how they're supposed to.

because i believe in, trust, and have faith in him and his plan for me.

and my obedience and worthiness is key.

Happy Sunday

=)